Most of our spouses were raised by different parent(s) in a diverse neighborhood and culture. Learn how to give yourself a break and enjoy your relationship.
You eat a slice of pizza with a fork and knife, and your spouse eats hers with both hands. Does your spouse eating pizza interfere with your health or time?
Reflect on the above example.
The apple does fall far from the tree, but it’s still an apple. Our partner is not us, and our parents did not raise them. Sometimes, children raised by the same parents in the same household can behave differently. Most importantly, remember your partner is not your mother or father, or others.
“My mom took care of three of us as single mother without any help, but my wife complaints of doing housework and caring for two children.” — Mr. Largmount (not the real name).
Give your spouse a break and enjoy your relationship. Here’s how if apply:
I Pay attention to your partner:
Pay attention to what your partner does. Take the time to reflect on your background and then separates your partner from you, your parents, and your beliefs.
What is your spouse’s interest or passion? This is the area you need to accept or move on with your life. Your partner’s passion can be a career, video gaming, traveling, gossiping, or cooking, etc.
John worried and said, “my new bride will not let me cook or do laundry. My ex didn’t have a problem with me doing things in the house.”
In 2021, some men and women choose not to participate in gender roles but do what they can to help their families grow. If your man likes cooking or your woman prefers hiring a Chef, let it be.
How to apply: Reflect on your partner’s interests and separate them from your parents. Learn the secret — people from different backgrounds think and behave differently. Your partner is different from you, your beloved parents, and maybe your background — race, class, color, and education.
II. Find out how your spouse was raised and work with them from there:
Find out your spouse’s beliefs— work with them from there.
You have a sense of your spouse’s passion. Sometimes, people can change and drop some learned behaviors, but they rarely change their passion or how they were raised or outgrow untreated hidden disabilities.
We can find out about our partner’s differences and use them to strengthen our relationship, help them grow, or leave the relationship. Positive relationship skills build relationships, and negative ones can destroy you, your partner, and the relationship.
Please note, we cannot work with domestic violence spouses or put our lives in danger in any relationship.
Because domestic violence is a learned behavior, and it’s addictive. DV can show up any day if not treated. I think DV should not be tolerated because life is more important than a relationship.
Learn more about your partner. Our childhood experience or untreated disability can resurface in the areas of food, housework, money, parenting, or our worldview. Do you want to be happy in your relationship? Learn a little about your spouse’s childhood.
How to apply: Work hard to understand your spouse. Encourage positive behaviors and empower them to find solutions to the bad habits. Choose not to complain non-stop about destructive behaviors, but model positive habits and advice on untreated disability or mental illness.
Seek couple counseling. It works well if you want to understand yourself and your spouse better. My professional experience shows it may not save your marriage, but counseling or psychotherapy can help improve any relationship.
III. How your spouse spends time and money:
Observe how your spouse spends time and money — ask your spouse why they have specific behavior.
You want to enjoy your spouse, then pay attention to their habit of spending money and time.
People rarely change the way they spend money or time. It is true people can change. I have seen clients change for the better with professional help and their desire to learn and practice time and money management skills.
Do you manage your partner’s wallet? Telling our spouse how to spend money or time makes no sense unless it negatively affects our family — rent/mortgage, food, college funds, or family time/ savings. If your spouse gambles, shops, drugs, drinks, or gifts get out of hand, then seek professional help.
However, give your partner a break. Let your partner have the freedom to spend money as they can afford or leave the relationship.
Adults with earning power hate people telling them how to spend their money or time. Give your partner a break and enjoy your relationship.
How to apply: Ask your partner why a specific behavior.
For example, Sam explains how strangers and neighbors used to help her and her family when they didn’t have food or rent money. Today, she gives a lot of her money to charity, and she hates that her husband complains.
What can I say! Find out why your spouse spends money and time on people or things and work from there to help yourself grow.
As you know all along, you and your partner are from different parents. She is not your mother, and he is not your father. Please find out how your spouse was raised and work with them from there
Learn more about yourself and your partner and be happy in your relationship:
Help yourself grow.
** I have changed all names in this story.